Love: More Than a Feeling—A Powerful Verb in Action!
Love can seem like a mystery, like something that just happens. We often
talk about "falling in love" as if it’s something that takes control
of us. But what if love is more than just a feeling? What if it's something we
choose and act upon, even when the feeling isn’t there? Here’s a story and an
idea that challenge us to see love differently—not as a feeling we wait for but
as something we actively do.
1. A Troubled Relationship
Let’s start with a story. There’s a man named Sajid. He’s been married
for forty years, and he’s starting to feel disconnected from his wife Fatima.
One day, he confides in Steven after attending his seminar, saying, “I’m
worried. Fatima and I don’t feel the same way we used to about each other. I
guess I just don’t love her anymore, and she doesn’t love me. What can I do?”
Steven responds with two simple words: “Love her.” This confuses Sajid.
He repeats that the feeling just isn’t there. But Steven insists, “Then
love her. Love is a verb.”
This response seems strange at first—how can you "love" someone
when you don't feel like it? But it introduces a powerful idea: love isn’t
just a feeling; it’s an action. Love, the feeling, is something that can
come and go. But love, the verb, is something we can choose to do.
2. Love: Feeling vs. Verb
In life, there are two ways to think about love:
- Love, the Feeling: This is the warm, fuzzy emotion, intense euphoria, people feel at the beginning of a relationship. This type of love can fade
or even vanish over time if it isn’t maintained.
- Love, the Verb: This is the act of choosing to
care, support, and show kindness to someone, even if the warm feeling
isn’t there. It’s about doing things to make the other person feel valued
and respected.
Love, the feeling, often follows love, the
verb. When we act in loving ways—being patient, listening, sacrificing our
comfort—the feeling of love has a chance to grow.
3. Why Hollywood Gets Love Wrong
In movies, love is often shown as a magical feeling that we just “fall”
into. Characters “fall in love” instantly and go to great lengths to keep that
feeling alive. But in real life, this idea doesn’t help much. What happens when
that magical feeling fades? Does that mean the love is gone forever? According
to Steven, if we let our feelings control our actions, we might end up
giving up on relationships too quickly.
Hollywood's view of love can make us feel like we’re just passengers, not
drivers, in our relationships. If we think love is only a feeling, we might
think we’re helpless when the feeling fades. But real love—love as a
verb—means we’re in control and can take action to keep love alive, even
during tough times.
4. Proactive Love: Taking
Responsibility
People who see love as a verb are what Steven calls “proactive.”
They take charge of their actions, regardless of how they feel. This is
different from “reactive” people, who let their feelings determine what they
do. Here’s a comparison to make it clearer:
- Reactive People: They let feelings rule their
actions. If they don’t “feel” love, they don’t act with love.
- Proactive People: They act out of values and
choices rather than feelings. They don’t need a warm, fuzzy feeling to do
kind, caring things for others.
Proactive people understand that feelings are temporary, while values are
lasting. If love is important to them, they’ll act on it, even if they don’t
feel it in the moment. This choice to be proactive can actually help bring back
the feeling of love.
5. Real-Life Examples of Love as a
Verb
The best examples of love as a verb often come from situations where
sacrifice and kindness are needed:
- Parents: Think of parents, or grandparents caring for a child or grandchild. There may be nights when they’re exhausted and frustrated, yet they continue to care because they love them. This isn’t based on feeling good but on choosing to be there for the baby, and not expecting anything in return.
- Service: People who help others—whether
through volunteering, supporting a friend, or helping a neighbor—often do
so without expecting anything in return. They don’t need a warm feeling to
take action; they simply choose to do it because they value kindness.
6. How Choosing Love Brings the
Feeling Back
Steven explains that love, the feeling, can return when we focus on
love as a verb. Acts of love—like listening, helping, being kind, and making
sacrifices—are seeds that can grow into feelings of love. When we do loving
things, we often start to feel more love in return. It’s almost like watering a dying plant: with care, it can bloom again.
If Sajid, the man in our story, starts acting with love toward Fatima—listening
to her, showing appreciation, supporting her—he may find that the feeling of
love returns. This doesn’t happen overnight, but with patience, it can happen.
7. Building Lasting Love
When we understand love as an action, it changes how we approach all
relationships. Here are some ways we can practice love as a verb:
- Listening: Pay attention when someone
speaks without interrupting or judging. This shows respect and care.
- Helping: Offer help when others need it,
even if it’s inconvenient.
- Being Kind: Do small, thoughtful things,
like sending a kind message, cooking a meal, or giving a compliment.
- Sacrificing: Sometimes, love means giving up
something you want to make the other person happy, like skipping a fun
outing to spend time with someone who needs you.
When we do these things, we’re showing love, whether we “feel” it or not.
And these actions can create a cycle of positive feelings that strengthen
relationships over time.
8. Choosing to Love Every Day
In the end, love, the verb, teaches us that we’re not helpless in
relationships. We can choose how to act. Real love isn’t just a feeling
that floats in and out of our lives. It’s something we build with our choices
and actions. Even if the feeling of love fades, we can bring it back by acting
in loving ways.
By being proactive and choosing to love every day, we make our
relationships stronger and more meaningful. So, next time you’re in a situation
where the feeling of love is missing, try to remember: love isn’t just a
feeling—it's a verb; it’s what you do. And through these actions, the feeling can
return, perhaps stronger than before.
The Holy Quran emphasizes love as a dynamic, actionable concept, often
illustrated through kindness, compassion, and good deeds. It's about doing
right by others, fulfilling promises, and showing mercy. In Surah An-Nisa
(4:36), it says: "...do good to spouses, parents, relatives, orphans, the needy,
the neighbor who is near of kin, the neighbor who is a stranger, the companion
at your side, the traveler, and those whom your right hands possess. Surely,
Allah does not love those who are arrogant and boastful."
This highlights love as a proactive commitment to kindness and care for others, not just a passive emotion.
How do you see love as a verb in your own life? Do comment.
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